ParentAISomewhere between the first and second birthday, most parents meet a new version of their child: the one who arches away from the car seat, screams when the banana is cut the wrong way, and drops to the floor because you closed the cupboard. It can feel sudden and out of proportion. It is also one of the most ordinary parts of being one, and it says nothing about your parenting or your child's character. What you do around these moments matters far more than stopping them.
Why this happens at this age
A one-year-old has feelings as strong as anyone's and almost no tools for handling them. Frustration, disappointment, and anger arrive at full strength, but the part of the brain that manages those feelings, the prefrontal cortex, is still years away from doing that job well. Your toddler is not choosing to lose control; the equipment for staying in control has not been built yet.
Language makes this harder. At twelve months most children have a handful of words, and even at two they cannot explain "I wanted to carry the cup myself" or "I am not finished with that." When the only way to say it is to shout it, a tantrum is communication, not defiance.
At the same time, this is the year a child discovers they are a separate person with their own wishes. They want to walk, climb, pour, and choose, and they want it now. Their ambitions run well ahead of their coordination and their judgement, so a great deal of what they try either fails or gets stopped by an adult. Each of those moments is a small collision between wanting and being able.
Finally, the body sets the stage. A toddler who is hungry, tired, teething, or fighting a cold has a much shorter fuse. Many parents notice that the worst meltdowns cluster in the hour before lunch or nap, at the end of the afternoon, and during transitions such as leaving the park or getting dressed.
What helps
Name the feeling in a few words. You are not trying to talk your child out of it; you are giving the feeling a label so it becomes something they can eventually say rather than only act out. Keep it short and match their intensity a little: "You're angry. You wanted the spoon." Then stop talking. Repeating the sentence calmly is more useful than adding to it.
Offer two choices you can live with. A one-year-old who feels pushed around all day will fight over everything; a small amount of control lowers the stakes. Make both options acceptable to you and keep them concrete: "Red cup or blue cup?" "Do you want to walk to the bath or shall I carry you?" If they refuse both, choose for them warmly and move on. The offer itself does much of the work.
Stay close and calm rather than fixing. In the middle of a meltdown, your child cannot absorb reasoning, bargaining, or consequences. What they can absorb is the message that a big feeling did not scare you away. Sit or crouch nearby, keep your voice low, and let the wave pass. If they want to be held, hold them; if they push you off, stay in the room and say, "I'm here when you're ready." Once it is over, reconnect with a cuddle or a bit of play. There is no need to relive it.
Pre-empt the predictable triggers. Most tantrums at this age are not random. If transitions are hard, give a warning that a one-year-old can understand: "Two more slides, then we go home," followed by counting the slides out loud. If hunger is the pattern, carry a snack and offer it before the whining starts, not after. If afternoons fall apart, protect the nap and plan quieter activities for that window. Fewer collisions means fewer tantrums, and that is not cheating.
Use distraction and redirection. At one, attention is short and this is a gift. A child who is winding up because they cannot have your phone can often be turned by a change of scene or a new object with real enthusiasm: "Oh, look at the bin lorry outside!" or handing over a wooden spoon and a pot. This works best early, before the meltdown has fully arrived, and it becomes much less reliable from around two, so use it while you can.
Hold the limit, kindly. Some tantrums happen because you said no, and the answer still needs to be no. You can be sympathetic and firm at the same time. If your child hits or throws when frustrated, block the hand gently and say, "I won't let you hit. You can stomp your feet." Then follow through by moving them or the object, without a lecture. The goal is that the limit stays the same on a good day and a bad day, which is what makes it feel safe.
What to avoid
Explaining at length in the middle of it. Once a child is screaming, the words "because it's not safe, and remember what happened last time" do not land. Long explanations tend to prolong the tantrum and leave you more frustrated. Save the sentence for afterwards, or skip it.
Punishing a one-year-old for a tantrum. A twelve to twenty-four month old is not capable of the self-control that a punishment assumes. Time-outs, raised voices, and withdrawing affection do not teach a child this age to regulate; they mainly teach that big feelings make the safe person go away. Calm limits on behaviour, such as hitting, are different from punishing the feeling.
Giving in sometimes. If a tantrum at the checkout gets the sweets on Tuesday but not on Thursday, your child learns that trying harder and longer might work. That is not manipulation; it is how learning works at any age. It is far easier on everyone to give a "yes" freely at the start, or to hold a "no" all the way through, than to switch halfway.
Shaming or labelling. "Stop being a baby," "You're being naughty," or laughing at a meltdown all tell a child that the feeling itself is unacceptable. At one they cannot yet separate the feeling from themselves.
Reaching for a screen every time. A video will stop a tantrum quickly, which is exactly why it becomes the default. Used as the routine fix, it takes away the practice your child needs in getting through a feeling with your help, and it can make the next tantrum more likely when the screen goes off.
When to seek help
Tantrums in the second year are normal, including several a day during difficult weeks. Talk to your paediatrician, health visitor, or family doctor if:
- tantrums regularly involve your child hurting themselves, such as head-banging that leaves marks or biting themselves, or seriously hurting other children or adults;
- they are happening many times a day, most days, and often last well beyond fifteen minutes, or your child is still very distressed long after the trigger has gone;
- your child holds their breath during crying to the point of going pale or blue, going limp, or fainting. Breath-holding spells are usually harmless and children grow out of them, but they should always be checked by a doctor the first time;
- you notice your child losing skills they had, such as words or eye contact, or seeming to withdraw from you between tantrums;
- you find yourself feeling out of control, frightened of what you might do, or unable to cope with the daily reality of it. That is a reason to ask for support in its own right, and asking early is a sign of good parenting, not failure.
If you are ever worried that you or your child are in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Sources
- American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org, "Temper Tantrums"
- NHS (UK), "Temper tantrums"
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, "Positive Parenting Tips: Toddlers (1–2 years)"
- ZERO TO THREE, "Toddlers and Challenging Behavior: Why They Do It and How to Respond"