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Day 13 of 30 · Week 2 · Emotions

Talking About Fears and Worries

7 min read

The dog next door, the dark hallway, the school trip with a night away, the math test, the news headline your teenager saw on their phone. Children worry, sometimes about things that seem tiny to us and sometimes about things that are genuinely big. Most of us respond in one of two ways: we reassure ("There's nothing to be scared of") or we protect ("You don't have to go"). Both feel kind. Neither teaches the thing a child most needs to learn: that they can feel afraid and still cope.

Why it matters

Fear is a normal, healthy part of growing up, and it changes with age. Babies become wary of strangers, preschoolers fear the dark, monsters and loud noises, school-age children worry about getting hurt, failing or being left out, and teenagers worry about how others see them and about the wider world. As the NHS notes, many of these fears come and go as part of normal development.

What keeps fears going is often avoidance. Each time a child avoids something scary, they feel relief, and that relief teaches the brain that the thing really was dangerous. Parents, understandably, help with the avoiding: answering the same worried question again and again, or letting them skip the party. Psychologist Eli Lebowitz and colleagues at Yale call these changes family accommodation. In a trial of their parent-based program, known as SPACE, parents learned to gently reduce accommodation while responding with what they call supportive statements, which combine acceptance of the child's fear with confidence in the child's ability to cope. For childhood anxiety, this parent-only approach worked about as well as cognitive behavioral therapy delivered directly to the child.

The message for everyday parenting is encouraging. You don't need to make fears disappear. You need to show your child that fear is understandable and survivable, that you believe in them, and then help them take small steps toward it.

Try it today

  1. Take the fear seriously. Even if the worry seems small, it is real to your child. Start with acceptance, not correction: "That sounds really scary for you." Skip "Don't be silly," which teaches your child to stop telling you.
  2. Pair empathy with confidence. This one sentence is the core of it: "I know this feels really scary, and I know you can handle it." Empathy alone can feed the fear; confidence alone can feel dismissive.
  3. Get curious about the details. Ask: "What's the scariest part?" or "What do you imagine might happen?" The real worry is often more specific, and easier to address, than it sounds.
  4. Plan small brave steps. Break the fear into a ladder, from easiest to hardest. For a fear of dogs: look at dog pictures, watch dogs from across the park, stand near a calm dog on a leash, then pat one. Celebrate each rung, not just the top.
  5. Answer once, then step back. When the same anxious question comes for the fifth time, try: "I think you already know what I'll say. What do you think?" Endless reassurance can keep the worry going.
  6. For older children, try worry time. Set aside fifteen minutes at the same time each day to talk or write about worries. When a worry pops up at another time, your child jots it down and saves it: "Let's keep that one for worry time."

What it sounds like

Priya is eleven, and her class is going on a three-day residential trip. For a week she has been asking her dad, Raj, the same questions at bedtime: What if I can't sleep? What if I feel sick? What if nobody sits with me on the bus? Each night he reassures her; each night the questions return.

On Sunday he tries something different. "It makes total sense that you're nervous. It's your first time away. And I really think you can do this." Then he gets curious. "Which part feels scariest?" She thinks. "Nighttime. When everyone's asleep and I'm not." Together they plan: a book and a flashlight in her bag, a note from him in the side pocket, and a practice sleepover at her cousin's on Saturday. When she asks, "But what if I cry?" he smiles. "Then you'll cry, and you'll still be okay. What would you do?" She decides she would read under the covers.

Priya still felt nervous on the morning of the trip. But she went, and when she came home she told him the first night was hard and the second was fun. Raj had not made the fear vanish. He had helped her find out she was bigger than it.

By age

When it feels hard

"Isn't it cruel to push them toward what scares them?" The aim is not to push, but to go in steps small enough that your child can manage them, with you alongside. Avoiding everything feels kinder today but tends to make the world feel smaller and scarier.

"I'm an anxious person myself." Many parents are, and it can make a child's fear hard to watch. You don't have to hide it. Let your child see you cope: "I'm nervous about my presentation, so I'm going to practice it once more and then go for a walk." If fears stop your child from doing everyday things such as going to school, sleeping or seeing friends, last for weeks, or come with panic, talk to your doctor; anxiety in children responds well to support and treatment.

"My teen says worry time is pointless." Offer it as an option, not a rule. Some teens prefer writing worries in their phone's notes, or a weekly walk with you. The principle is the same: give worries a time and place so they don't take over the day.

Common pitfalls

In one sentence

Take your child's fear seriously, show that you believe they can cope, and help them take one small brave step at a time.

Sources

This article is general information, not medical or psychological advice. If you are worried about your child, talk to a doctor or another qualified professional.